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Updated: Dec 11, 2019

1: Identify the type of Plátano

Is he maduro?

Is he a boss who loves merengue, a lady killer with Trujillo shades on? Are his old school vibes too righteous for this world, quick to get a party started like Juan Bosch, only to bounce to start the next party? Is he blind to his own faults? An old man you’ve become so used to that you elect him over and over again over other men because you know you ain’t got no choice y la costumbre…

Or is he Verde?

Junot Diaz’ Yunior or Romeo Santos, but without the voice, fame or money?

A fuckboy convinced he isn’t a fuckboy

AKA a Lawrence from Insecure.

2: Determine how often does he travel to the island? Does he go only with male friends or family? How did he react when you mentioned Pasión in Santiago? Has he ever made or laughed at any

“lo prima se priman” jokes?

3. Ask yourself what do you mean by Dominican? Born and raised on that half of an island? Brought here before kindergarten? Dominican York? Knows the slang and the Serie del Caribe standings? Do you mean Dominican like throwing shade at Americanized Dominicans mingling with pedophile Europeans in Punta Cana? Dominican like throwing rocks at foreigners extracting gold? Dominican like throwing everything and anything at anyone who deserves it- hasta la tambora?

4. Think about your last Dominican boyfriend or fling, an agarre if you will, who did you capicúa: fucked if you left and fucked if you stayed. Fucked either way. Would it have been different if he was not Dominican? Was the break up because he was Dominican or before he was a perro? Every time you caught him in a lie would he ask you to explain how he lied, defending himself by barking, “But how? How? How?”

5. Ask yourself: Are you Dominican?

Would your mother even consider you settling down with anyone other than a Dominican even though she bore Dominican men? And if you’re not Dominican how would your mother react if you brought home a Dominican?

6. Consider seeing your physician. If you are still tempted to trip in love with a Dominican at this point, statistics say there is 76% chance that you are of Dominican descent and experiencing Cardiac Stockholm Syndrome.

7. Reflect. The Dominican man’s ability to be a sucio has been established. Now, consider the Dominican woman. Remember this is within the heteronormative framework. Some of y’all Dominican women will have us, Dominican men, under a spell: loving, promising, praising, and cooking for us all the while there is a sealed compota bottle stuffed with greens and cinnamon from the Botánica under our bed. At the same time the brolic Dominican bro working at the T-Mobile makes mangu out of you. All because of some rumor you heard, but never confirmed about a co-worker that wasn’t really co-worker. All that just to change your coverage plan and carrier, leaving your Dominican man and the T-Mobile brolic sales associate in the dust to marry and raise a family with a non-Dominican man.

Vende patria. Trujillo ven a ver…


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